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The Unusual Times
Fiction & Drollery

A Cad's Guide to Halloween

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Halloween, officially known as International Monsters Night, is the second scariest time of the year (the morning of New Year’s Day being the most ghoulish). Any cad worth his, her or its salt will use this night of witchery and jiggery-pokery to create mischief and further his, her or its own cause.

Here is our gore-splattered guide to making the most of Halloween.

The scariest costumes for adult trick or treating: a bailiff, the occupant as he was 20 years ago, her ex-husband, or the neighbour whose recycling bin you stole.

2. Worst trick or treat gifts to hand out: a broken plastic fork, an adaptor to an obsolete mobile phone, or your terrible nude oil painting of Winston Churchill.

3. Awful Halloween games: Find the Tonsil in the Marshes, Creating Lead from Gold, and The Corpse-Stacking Contest.

4. Enliven séances by summoning the ghosts of slapstick comedians. WARNING: You may need to vacate the property after this, as symptoms can include ‘Custard Pie Hell’.

5. Install a vast bell between your knees, and dong it when meeting people.

6. Pipe bats’ blood into your water system.

7. Replace your eyeballs with the spinning hands of a dead composer.

8. Replace your dead composers’ hands with the feet of an acrobat.

9. Hollow out your head to make it look like a pumpkin.

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