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Investigations into Cucumber & Rose

Feral Cucumbers: The Strange Story of Cucumbers raised by Wolves

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A recently uncovered journal from the great Scottish explorer Archibald Ambigram Eggcorn (1802-1894) reveals the existence of a tribe of wild cucumbers raised by wolves. For the first time, we share extracts of this revelatory travel diary.

15th March 1857
300 miles south west of Hupoiu Wanag and in dire need of a game of table tennis.
Have made a new resolution and that is to insert more anachronisms into my journal – keeps me on my toes.

Cook made a superb kedgeree. We celebrated its success by naming a mountain after her and having a two-hour waltz. It quite slipped my mind to do any exploring today.

16th March 1857
305 miles south west of Hupoiu Wanag
Was woken in the night by my cucumber sandwiches howling. Something is a little rum here and I can’t for the life of me work out what’s going on. Decided to eat said sandwiches in the light of the full moon. Had a feeling of being watched and felt something cold and long brush against my leg.

Wrote back to Old Blighty (a turn of phrase I feel will become popular by the 1910s) to ask Mary to send more marmalade. I regret asking as I don’t much care for marmalade and it was my last postage stamp.

17th March 1857
306 miles south west of Hupoiu Wanag
Making good progress, but something about this place gives me the willies. Could have sworn I saw an elongated prolate spheroid creeping around the forest last night. It made the call of a cucumber but was behaving like a wolf. The forest is alive with unknown eyes and I sleep with one hand on my faithful teddy bear Doctor Snucklywuggle.

18th March 1857
306½  miles south west of Hupoiu Wanag
This morning the camp was attacked by burpless she-wolves. They moisturised our faces and left the camp fragrant. After they left I had tea and began my investigations. My first port of call was the guide. He explained to me that the beasts in question were nothing less than feral cucumbers raised by wolves. I asked if they were dangerous and he replied in the affirmative, noting that the only thing that could pacify them was the application of tonic water and good gin.

19th March 1857
Still 306½ miles south west of Hupoiu Wanag
Following a spirited game of strip croquet we made peace with the wild cucumbers and have spent the most delightful day with them. They have promised to come back to Scotland with us when we leave (which is tomorrow) and I am most satisfied at this news. We are in good spirits and celebrate by bathing in rose petals.


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