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The Unusual Times
Fiction & Drollery

How to prepare for the end of the world

Blog image of How to prepare for the end of the world

When our beloved sun dies in 5 billion years, it will grow as bloated as an uncle at a wedding lunch. It will incinerate Mercury and Venus, and maybe Earth too. If we avoid this fate, we will still be torn to pieces as we are dragged into the electron-degeneracy of the white dwarf our sun will have, by then, become. 

That’s if we’re lucky…

We may instead be destroyed by human clumsiness way before that. Or maybe we will be wiped out by super-intelligent clams, or paradoxes from careless time travellers, or perhaps you dear reader will forget to clean your fridge and that will somehow open a portal to a dark realm that will be used as a gateway by terrifying monsters with the bodies of horses and the heads of other horses (please stop reading this and go and clean your fridge). 

Regardless of how it ends, one must spend this last day in a suitably civilised manner. Here are five easy steps to making the most of the last day of planet Earth. 

  1. Wear a well-ironed dress shirt. Wear stylish, but not overly flamboyant, shirt cuffs. Remember a button cuff should break at the wrist, whereas a double cuff should break half an inch farther down. 
  2. If you’re going to wear a necktie, we recommend a half-Windsor knot. 
  3. If you’re inviting friends to your home to witness the final cataclysmic conflagration, don’t worry about making a large meal – simple canapés will suffice. Remember to check your guests’ dietary requirements in advance; it would be extremely embarrassing to serve crackers to a gluten intolerant friend as fire and frogs rain down from the sky. 
  4. You may be short of time on the final day, so it will be acceptable to steam, rather than press, your jacket. Simply hang your jacket in the bathroom in the steam that has accumulated from a ten-minute shower.  
  5. Displaying your emotions via your facial expressions is vulgar, and in the case of the last day, may sow panic. Keep an open, friendly face throughout the day, however long it lasts.

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