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The Unusual Times
Chamber of Invention

Patent Wending #1: Five Inventions We Would Like to See in the Real World

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In the interest of the apallaneous befurtherment of pata-extraneous* technology we prepose that all inventors stop what they are doing immediately and begin work on the following:

1) A device that switches off all your information technology devices at 22:00 hours, runs you a bath and sets your book on your pillow.

2) A machine to filter the tears of a poet through a cucumber. 

3) An instrument that measures perceived time so nobody need complain about how fast the last year went by.

4) A wrist-mounted sensor that warns the wearer when he has been talking about grown-up subjects for more than 30 minutes. No longer will you have to feign interest in your companion’s gripping monologues on the advantages of loft insulation or his relationship with wheat.

5) A device that monitors your serotonin levels and sends you a red rose when you have the February blues.

* Several of these words have yet to be invented.

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